I’m addicted to the Internet, like everyone else, but there are certain websites I wish I had never visited. Either because they left me with an uncomfortable feeling later (a sort of Internet hangover, if you will), or because they are such an absolute time-suck that I can see myself on my deathbed 60 years in the future wondering if Kitten War is the reason I never finished The Great American Novel. May I present to you now the 10 websites I wish I’d never discovered, much less visited.
10. Rate My Poo
I’m not a squeamish, prudish person by any means, so when I heard about Rate My Poo, I thought, “Gee, that sounds hilarious!” A sort of parody of the Hot or Not buzz from a few years back, Rate my Poo asks you to, well, rate someone’s poo. I know the 10-year-old inside of me still digs fart jokes, so it was with great anticipation and chuckling that I went to Rate My Poo. This may seem obvious to many of you more normal folks, but I instantly felt a sense of what the Hell have I just done? wash over me – sort of how you feel after a one-night stand, I suppose. I was looking at strangers’ poo. Freely and without coercion. Yuck. I will not be back.
9. PostSecret
I’m so into PostSecret that I have it bookmarked, and sometimes I check it late Saturday night on the off chance that the weekly Sunday secrets have been posted early. PostSecret is a brilliant art project turned blog that was created by Frank Warren, and as many of you know, it involves postcards sent to Frank that reveal a deep, dark secret. Frank then selects a few cards to put on his blog each week. While I’m heavily addicted, I always come away from PostSecret a little down. Are there that many unlucky, sad people out there? Whether they’re confessing about assault, infidelity, bad parents, or general malaise, PostSecret mostly makes me feel guilty for having such a relatively pleasant life. Aren’t there any happy, funny secrets out there?
8. Kitten War
Oh my God, that kitten is so cute! Oh my God, look at that kitten, it is sooooo cute. Okay, one more battle, and then it’s time to get to work. Seriously. Okay, really one more and then that’s truly it. But is it possible that somehow these kittens could get cuter? I mean, I’m not sure. I don’t know, so in the interest of research, I should really check out the next fight. Oh my GOD I can’t take how CUTE they are! Oh. Oh my. It’s three in the morning and I think my husband just left me.
7. Real Doll
You haven’t really known true weirdness until you’ve checked out Real Doll, “The World’s Finest Love Doll,” and scrolled through the FAQs, including “Can a Real Doll support herself enough to do it doggy style?” Visiting Real Doll, viewing the images, reading the testimonials…it makes you curious as to what much of middle America is really like. But mostly, it just leaves you feeling sorry for all those earnest guys saving up their overtime pay for a Real Doll and hoping she’ll be able to do it doggy style in the basement of their mother’s house. And what about the guys who can only afford the Real Doll torso? That just breaks my heart, you know? This recession is rough on everybody.
6. WebMD
For many, WebMD is a handy resource full of great information on how to lower your blood pressure or cure back pain. But for a hypochondriac like myself, WebMD is a full cornucopia of death. Each click brings me closer and closer to a horrific diagnosis of terminal cancer or flesh-eating bacteria disease or early onset Alzheimer’s. But like all good hypochondriacs, I cannot help myself and return time and time again. Hangnail? Cough? Weird rash? This website always confirms it for me: I’ve got three to six months left, tops.
5. Lostpedia
Like Wikipedia, only worse. And by worse I mean, awesome…awesomly addictive that is! Lostpedia is the place to test theories, read spoilers, and get up to date on the most infuriating, complicated show to ever exist. You can tell yourself you want to just check the name of Ben Linus’s mother, and five hours later you’re drawing timelines on scratch paper and mumbling to yourself in Desmond’s Scottish accent. Or is that just me?
4. TMZ
But wait, there’s more! So I’ll click on it! Mindless celebrity crap sandwich with a side order of gossip fries. Makes me feel bloated, dirty, and mean. But how can I go on if I don’t find out whose butt that is or what the singer of Electric Avenue looks like now? I always have to follow up a TMZ visit with a quick stroll through the PBS website, just to keep myself dignified.
3. The National Alliance
Hey, did you hear that since Obama won, we’re all post-racial and everyone is getting along great no matter what race or creed you are? Keep believing that, and don’t dare visit The National Alliance’s website, full of such pleasant comments as “…darkness has made its way into the White House, with the landslide election of Barack Obama in November and his inauguration a couple of weeks ago” and “Because of the Jewish monopoly on the entertainment industry, it is almost impossible to watch an entertaining television program or a movie that is a true pick-me-up for White racialists.” Wow. Just, wow. I think I liked it better when I was deluded enough to think unity and hope won out.
2. Snopes
You would think that Snopes — debunker of all urban legends — would actually make me feel safer and not so worried that someone is going to come and steal my kidneys in the middle of the night. But have you ever been to the Snopes picture gallery? Granted, a lot of the images have been photoshopped, but some haven’t been, and some of them are insanely gross. Sure, the nice people at Snopes include little warnings (they even have a category entitled Gruesome), but adding a little warning that tells you the picture may be disturbing to some is really a big red arrow with blinking lights on it that says CLICK ON THIS! I am still trying to get the image of the carjacker run over by a car out of my mind.
1. Facebook
I spend at least an hour to an hour and a half on Facebook Every. Single. Day. On Facebook! My Myspace issue was but a small drinking problem compared to my sad and depraved Facecrack addiction. Is it the way it allows you to “spy” on people without them ever realizing it? Or is it the way it is so easy to be steered from one wall to the next via comments and “Joe Smith is now friends with Lauren Jones” and posted video and tagged photos and gasp…I need to take a breath. What is a wonderful and genius way to stay in touch with everyone at once is also the biggest spacetaker my brain has experienced since my New Kids on the Block obsession circa 1989. My new resolution — 30 minutes on Facebook a day, at most…unless I’m really, really bored. Or have nothing else to do. Or have insomnia. Or something like that. Hmm…I wonder if Jordan Knight is on Facebook?
